I am 22 years old, and my father passed away from throat cancer on June 6, 2002. I wrote this letter to him about three months after his death.

WORDS DON'T COME EASILY

I have so much to say, and yet nothing at all. When it comes to you, my thoughts can't straighten themselves out. There are so many different emotions welling up inside of me at all times that i can't seem to figure out what any of them are separately. I love you, i miss you, i want to know why your gone; i want someone to tell me the purpose behind losing you when I am so young. You had so many happy and healthy years left of your life; I want to know why they were cut short. You were such an important person to so many people; you made people happy and comfortable. I want to know why you had to leave us alone.

The truth is, right now, I'm so terrified of forgetting you that I don't know what to do. You already seem so distant, I already feel as though you have been gone forever, when, really, it has been just barely three months. I walk through each day as though everything is okay, as though everything is the same. But in fact nothing is the same. I try to go through each day and be happy, and not think about the fact that your gone, and most of the time these days I am able to do that. But when I stop and allow myself to think, it is so overwhelming that I can barely breathe. I miss you so much; I've never felt a whole in my heart like this before, and I'm not sure I ever will again. As I sit here now writing to you, I feel as though I am going to be sick. I still can't believe that you're actually gone, and I really have no idea how to handle it.

I know this is so much harder for mom, because her entire life has changed completely without you. And, honestly, she is so strong; if it were me, I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it. You must be really proud of mom. She's handling it so well. Whoever thought we'd have to live so long without you? I always thought that you'd be around forever; I mean, your my dad, dads don't just disappear, not fathers like you anyway. I know how lucky I have been to even have had a father like you, and I shouldn't be complaining because many people never get that chance, but I can't help it. You were supposed to be around longer. You were supposed to be here to help me; I'm too young to lose my father. Who's going to give me your wisdom and good advice and love now? Where do I turn? How are your grandsons ever supposed to remember the unconditional love you had for them; the father figure you were to them when theirs didn't come through? How are my future children and husband ever going to understand the amazing person you were? Whose going to advise me as to whether, in the future, the man I love is the one or not, and if he is, who is going to walk me down the isle? How come you won't be there to say, "Her mother and I do?" How come you won't be there to see my first child? How come you had to get so sick?

In my mind, I see you when you were sick, when you were dying, and every time I see it, no matter how many times, it breaks my heart all over again. How is it that you are healthy and happy one month, with a full life ahead of you, and sick and dying the next? How did this happen to me? You weren't supposed to go anywhere. You were supposed to stay here with us.

Remember when Grandma died and we flew out to be there? That was the first time I ever saw death, and it was terrible. You were so healthy then. I never thought that it would be you lying on that hospital bed, no breath left, no spirit left, just an empty shell of the man you once were.

This wasn't supposed to happen. I don't know what to do anymore; I don't know where to go. I feel so lost in this big cruel world. My protection has been shattered, and I am left alone. I used to think it was over protection, I used to wish I could just be on my own. And I do want to be on my own, but I never wanted to be alone. And now that is how I feel. I know I still have people, but the largest comfort and protection, my parents as I knew them are gone.

I know mom is still here, but she can never be the same comforter she once was, for she has too much pain herself. And I don't blame her for that, I am not angry with her for that. It's just the way it is. So here I am, officially alone and on my own for the first time in my life, whether I like it or not. What do I do now?

To you dad, with all of my love. I miss you so much and cannot wait for the day I will see you again in heaven. I know you're dancing. love, anna

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