In Loving Memory of Russell "Rusty" Jesse Courtney --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rusty, finding words to describe him are few and hard to find. He was 6'3, tall and slender with the biggest smile and bright blue eyes that could capture your soul. Rusty entered my life in June 1996... I couldn't have known that 3 short years later he would be leaving me. We were 16 years old and thought we knew it all. We dated for a year and a half before getting married on January 17, 1998. Less than a year and a half later he was taken from me in a horrible way. In March of 1998 I began having dreams of Rusty's funeral (as weird as that sounds). I would see vividly his death, the way it happened, him in the hospital even the details of his funeral. The casket blue with 3 crosses on a hill and under them the writing "in heaven's care". I now believe that God was preparing me for the most heartbreaking moment of my life. Rusty, for reasons I can not understand nor explain, was outside with some friends a little after 3am on Tuesday morning June 8, 1999. One "friend" entered into a disagreement with him and Rusty decided to walk away rather than to engage in an argument. Walking away may have seemed like the right thing to do, but in a matter of moments he would be lying in blood. It was 3:17am when something woke me up in a panic, somehow I knew he was in an accident... at this same time his "friend" went after him in his car, drunk, and ran him over in the black of night. He then proceeded to put his car in reverse and back over him. I really do not know if Rusty ever realized what had happened to him. I got a phone call and for some reason I didn't say "hello"... my words were "What hospital is he at". When I reached the hospital I was surrounded my doctors and nurses who covered me in warmth and love. The tears in their eyes said more than words as they told me what had happened and to prepare for the worst. They told me that he should have died instantly and had no idea why he was alive... but I did. I knew that God let him hold on for me. I went into the room and kissed him. I held his hand and whispered "I love you with all my heart always and forever" something we said anytime we left each others presence. Nearly immediately he began to fade away, and I was taken to another room. Sitting in that seat, trying to beg God to let him live, I knew that I needed to grasp what was happening. I asked God one simple request "please do not take him unless you are taking him with you". Peace filled my soul as I knew God knew exactly what he was doing. Moments later the doctor walked in, I stood to meet her, she looked at me with huge tears in her eyes and I hit the floor. I knew he was gone but part of me couldn't accept it. I screamed at her to go back and help him. I wanted her to be wrong. Moments later I was taken to say "goodbye". How do you say goodbye to someone you thought you would grow old with? I was standing there with him with tears rolling down my face when a nurse walked in and whispered something I will never forget. She calmly said "Don't you feel it...feel the presence of angels? They are here... and he is with God". This filled me with peace. To knew that my Rusty was standing face to face with God. I was much to upset to plan his funeral... I left that to his parents. I could not bring myself to pick out a casket or flowers... that would mean he was really gone and I just wasn't ready for that. Well, when I walked into the funeral home to see Rusty before his friends arrived I nearly fainted... there he was in the casket I had seen 3 times in my dreams. I knew then and there that God was there, that he was carrying me and would take care of me. Rusty's friends covered me with love, and I made it through the day. 3 years have come and gone and God has shown me so much. For 2 years I cried myself to sleep every night, unable let go of everything that had happened. One night in Sept. 2001 I cried out to God and told him that if this pain was ever going to go away then to take it now! That if I was to ever stop feeling this hurt then to take it now! God did just that. That night I went to sleep, and I have never cried over the loss of my husband since then. I still miss him, I still think about those 3 years we shared and ponder what he would be like now... but I don't grieve anymore. God told me something that Sept. night. He said "Carissa, do you have scars?" of course I answered "yes" he asked me to touch them to see if they hurt. "no God, they don't hurt" was my answer. Then God whispered to my soul "because they are scars... they remind you of where you have been, tell a story of something in your life... but they don't hurt because they are scars!" I began to see that Rusty's death was a scar. If it still hurt, then it was not a scar and I was not healed. God's desire was for me to be healed of this pain. Jesus took stripes for my healing, not just physically but also emotionally. God cared for my pain and I believe that he has set me free from it. So now I have a scar... a scar that is a part of me, a part of who I was, it tells a story, the story of who I am and how I got here, a story of highschool sweethearts and death. But it also told a story of God's unmeasureable love! How he will take something horrible and make it beautiful! I'm just being made beautiful. So God, I thank you for the gift you gave me. Thank you for the gift of a tall, slender guy with beautiful eyes that loved me. Thank you for the laughter we shared and the memories that are now my treasures. Thank you most of all for heaven. For the promise that we who die in you never really die. That we are simply saying "I'm going to see Jesus and I will meet you when you get there" thats love! Thank you for your love that carries me through. Rusty, I know you see me. I know a part of you is with me and I know that I have made you proud! Have a blast in heaven... I would not ask you to come back and leave it if I could. I know you are exactly where you want to be and I rest assured that one day I will be there too! I know you will be with me the day I fall in love again, the day I marry and even on the day I have my first child. I love you... (the guy who killed Rusty never served a day in jail. He is still free, drinking and driving. He lives his life and has never said "I'm sorry" for anything he has done....... but I know that God knows what he is doing. My biggest joy from this would be that his murderer come to know the love of Jesus Christ!) Smile. Laugh. Dance. Make a memory. Pay attention to the small things... it's all in the details. For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future!" Jerm. 29:11

Carissa Courtney browneyedgirl16@hotmail.com

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