My Dearest Jamar:

I wish I could tell you this last year has been easy, but on the contrary, it's been so difficult. Your presence is so missed that it's deafening to my spirit. My heart aches uncontrollably and I want to scream out for understanding, but I feel paralyzed for doing so would mean that I am questioning GOD and I'd dare not do that.

I pray that you are looking down on us and can still in some way, be the man that Brandon needs in his life. October 19th is quickly approaching and as each day passes that brings us closer, I get feelings of anxiety and nausea. Last year this time, I had no idea of what was about to happen. Even now, it all seems to be a really bad and LONG dream...I just don't seem to be waking up. Is that how it is for you? Are you thinking that you are going to wake up and come home? I actually had a dream that you were trying to get away from whatever it was that you were going through and you had faked your death, but that, too, was a dream that I, in fact, woke up from.

What I guess this memorial is supposed to do is begin the grieving process that should have started almost 12 months ago.

I love you, I miss you, I am forever grateful to you for the man that you were to our son. I Bless the very name of Jesus for allowing our paths to cross when they did. I wouldn't take nothing for our journey together...though it was tough, it taught both of us valuable lessons that time nor life can change or make disappear.

I OWE YOU!

Katrice Gray-Carter (including your son: Brandon Jo'El Gray)

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