I am sad to see you go. Our time together was too terribly short, and oh so precious.

Today is one month from when I was in the hospital being induced. Tonight will be the one month anniversary of when I said hello and goodbye to my sweet little girl.
Angel was my fifth pregnancy, and the first to have any problems. I knew something was wrong with this pregnancy almost from the beginning. It was just... different... than the others. By week 16 I knew I had placenta previa, although it was a minor case. By week 18 I got a call from my doctor's office that I had an abnormal test result come back. I was scheduled for a perinatologist's visit to discuss this abnormal result. Apparantly I SHOULD have had a 1 in 622 chance for my baby to have Down syndrome. It came back elevated... 1 in 197. That is STILL less than a 1% chance. Willing to take those odds, I ALMOST did not go to the peri's appointment. I would not have had an amniocentesis done. In my eyes the only reason to have one would be if terminating the pregnancy were an option. It would not have been for me. The test would have been redundant. The only reason I went was to have a new U/S done so I could tell the gender of my baby. The previous 2 she had not been cooperative and shown us who she was.

The nurse came in all cheerful and put the goo on my belly and turned on the monitor. Within only seconds of running the wand over my belly I asked her why there was no heartbeat. She calmly put the wand down and almost RAN out of the room, saying she was going to get the doctor. I KNEW. I bet that poor nurse NEVER AGAIN turns on the monitor with the sound ON. I knew my baby had no heartbeat. By the time the doctor came in I was in tears. He quietly did his job. He informed me only minutes later that indeed my child was dead. Ironically, the placent previa had cured itself by pulling up and out of the way of the cervical opening. I also ended up doing an amnio after all. I wanted to KNOW why my baby died. An amnio was just an insurance for me to tell me if she had genetic problems. There was no risk any more. It was a moot point, so I did it anyway.
I went in on friday April 15th to be induced. My tiny Angel came into this world at 10:35 p.m. weighing only a mere 7 ounces and only 21 3/4 centimeters long. She had apparantly been already out of this world for almost 3 weeks (according to autopsy reports) before she was actually IN it. I was 21 weeks 5 days gestation. She was only 17-18 weeks. I felt her life in me. I felt her move, I felt her kick. Yet I never felt her life slip away. I never knew when she was gone.

Her official cause of death was Down syndrome. I miss her much. I miss her often. I miss her still. I will miss her always. My baby Angel. My baby forever.

Birthmom to one 4/94 Mom to one 9/98 SM to 2 6/01, 10/03 Mom to stillborn daughter 4/05

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