Hi. I guess this is silly, writing to you through the computer, but if it helps me, I'll try anything. * I've been reading about Heaven, because you're there now, and I know I'll meet you again someday and finally be able to let myself melt in one of those amazing hugs I've missed for so long now, but until then, I'm having trouble just going on. * We were never supposed to become friends, much less come to love each other like we did, and I wonder if you're in Heaven, seeing things clearly now, realizing why we weren't supposed to be close when you were here on Earth, and not feeling close to me anymore now. And then, I wonder if I ever really will feel you hold me again, when we meet in Heaven. * IF we meet in Heaven. * If things are good though, if we're okay with each other even though you're there and I'm still here, I just want you to know that I miss you more than you could ever imagine, more than I ever thought I would, and I love you, and always will, no matter how many fears and doubts and wonders come over me and weigh me down, make me even more sad - if that is possible - or even make me angry with you sometimes. * I go through the entire spectrum of emotions all too often, spending time with all the sad, lonely, scared emotions and every one in between, but I smile sometimes too. I feel defeated and hopeful at the same time. I shake with misery because you're gone from me but I feel calmed by some of the memories of you all at once. No one has done this to me before. Did you have any idea you would make such an impact on the life and thoughts and emotions of someone in the final months of your life, just when you were realizing it was going to be over soon? * I knew that losing you to Heaven was going to be the most difficult thing I had ever gone through, but so many heart-breaking, nauesating, mind-numbing things happened before you died, and they're still happening. Everyone else has moved on, but I'm stuck. * If you're willing and able from where you are, could you please help me? I want to be a little less sad, at least in the middle of the day when I'm supposed to be professional and cheerful. I want to honor you by making the most of what is left of my life and coming out of the other side of this black hole I've been in as a better, more enlightened, wise, caring, loving person. I want to get in touch with my soul again, and let it take me down the right path. This detour has gone on too long. Help me find my way again. Please. * You know what I'm talking about, and I trust that you'll know what to do, and when to do it. Until then, I love you.

Till we meet again, Yabuts

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