"I love you mama". I say it every time I think of you, every time I go to pick up the phone and call you, every time I think about something you did or said and every time I wish you were still here. I can't say it often enough. I know I told you how much I loved you when you were alive, but now it seems even more important to say it, to get those words into the universe so that you don't disappear. I say those words as if my love will make everything OK. Taking care of you when you were ill, staying by your bedside when you were dieing, holding your hand when you drew your last breath, I said "I love you mama" thousands of times. I cried the words, I shouted the words, I prayed, and sang and whispered the words but they didn't couldn't stop the inevitable. You died and all the love I had wasn't enough to keep you alive. No matter that my love was powerful and strong and pure, it just wasn't enough. Now, every time I say the words I cry because the words seem so useless because they didn't stop you from dieing, and they seem so empty without your being here to receive them and they seem so weak because they aren't enough to express the depth of my thankfulness that you were my mother and the extent of my pain that you are no longer with me. The words just aren't enough...they are just words and you are gone.

Pat

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