Let's see, what are all the name I called you- "Dadoo", "Paaaaaaaaaaaa" (after that horrible old movie you made me watched and we both agreed it sucked), "Ugly" (said in jest for those reading and judging), and, of cousre, "Asshole" (again- jest. It was a family thing.) the only time I seemed to call you Daddy was when I wanted something ;)

I wish the final weeks had been different. Instead I sat on the couch reading while watching you every two minutes and asking if you needed anything. I should have gone over there and sat on your bed and help you hand. I can only imagine how lonely you felt. One time I asked if you were scared and you said "No", so that was good. We never had "The talk". Sure, I told you I loved you and that I would miss you, but we never had a heart to heart of what my life would be like without you. I hope, now, you realize all that I meant to say, because it's in my heart daily (especially in the wee hours of the morning.) I feel horrible about how lonely your final years must have been. I know the last person you wanted taking care of you was mom, but she was the only one around (wiht me being cross country and John working 500 jobs.) I think we assumed that you'd get better this time. You always got better. Instead, the one that helped you was the one who resented you the most. My saving grace in that memory is that for your final hour, she was the one who went and sat down by your bed and held your hand- that prompted the rest of us to do the same. There was still love there dad, I truly believe it. I don't know why it was so hidden inside her or what happened that she wanted to escape from you, but it was there. And I hope that thought brought comfort to you in your final moments.

Your final moments were the worst of my life. i don't know why you were suddenly so stubborn to stand up (after lying down for days) and sit in the rocking chair. But when you did, your blood pressure collapsed and you started leaving us with gasping breathes. While mom dialed Hospice, I just held your face and looked in your eyes and, in between tears, told you how good you were doing and how much I loved you. I really hope you remember me saying that. That was the closest we came to to the talk, even though it was one sided. Then when we were able to get you back into your bed, I slid in behind you and just held you for a moment, sobbing. I can't believe you make a comback in a few moments when the nurse arrived. You were talking again and said you couldn't really remember what happened. Ends up, your blood pressure crashed when we lifted you into a standing position. I came and sat by your bed after that and told you "I'm ready to let you go, I just don't want to be the reason why you died". An hour later you were gone. We all three sat there holding your hands or just touching you. I chose the side of the bed where your eyes were fixed too- dont' know if you could see anymore or not, but I wanted a face to be the last thing you saw, not a wall, so I choose my face. Your breathing was so labored. YOu took a breath about every minute and for the silence seconds of that minute I would just cry harder and harder wondering if you would breathe again. Then you would and we'd all silent giggle wondering how much longer this would go on. Each time, we held our breath with you- it was funny in a morbid way. I SWEAR I remember you squeezing my hand before one of you final gasps. I truly hope that means that you knew I was there and talking to you and loving you. All I could think of to say is that I love you, I'll miss you, you can let go now. Say hi to Gramma and grampa for me.

I really hope that something continues after death and that you're able to see them again, be healthy, and have the life you weren't able to have on earth. I also very much hope that you try to visit me whenever possible. I need to know you're still around. I need you to be there when I get married, when I have children (even if it doesn't happen in that order). I need ot feel your presence whenever I need support. And I truly hope that a child of mine has your laugh.

Your life may not have been the greatest. You had a lot of hardships, your illnes being on the top of hte list. Marriage didn't work exactly as planned and I'm sure John and I caused you much of they typical grief as only children can. You were devasted when your own dad died and now, unfortunately, I know what you're going thru. To have one last hug and one last "I love you" would mean everything to me.

Instead, I go on day by day at work and with my friends and make jokes about the whole experience. Some of the jokes you enjoy, I'm sure. The others I know you see right thru and can tell I'm on the verge of breaking down. but I can't break down. I need the job and the money to go on living my empty existence. I really wished I lived closer to family- they are the only ones I truly open up to. I start to with my friends out here but they, understandably, don't know how to handle it. Hell, i don't know how to handle it. So, i break back into my sarcastic, joking "I'm fine" routine when all I want to do is breakdown. I just want to OD on my pills- not enough to kill me- but enough to land me in the hospital for a few days and just relax and think. Plus, I have images of all my friends coming to visit me to offer the support that I wouldn't let them give otherwise. I don't know how to handle this, I don't know how to continue without you. I feel the urge to scream and hit anything I find with a baseball daily. But, of cousre, I don't. I continue the illusion that I am fine and under control. If it wasn't for work, i dont' know what i do. I go in early, I stay late, and I fix all the problems that happen in 10-12 hours. It is the best distraction I have. I have a guy that i am somewhat seeing but that is mainly so that I don't spend the nights alone. We don't have the conversations I need to have- mainly because he's not the one I want to be having them with. I havne't found that guy yet.

I don't know when it will truly sink in that you're gone. You died on a Saturday, the service was Tuesday and I fly back out Wednesday morning and was back at work demanding everyone treat me as if nothing happened Wednesday night. They still do, but there is a small part of me that could truly use a hug. However, the best hugger in the world was you- so even when someone does give me a hug the memory of that hurts so much that I break away.

I wish you had lived long enough to see your grandkids. You would have made an awesome Grampa. I don't know why John and I are still solo, looking for that special someone when all that we both want is to find the right guy/girl and settle down and have a family. True, you and mom didn't show us the ideal Norman Rockwell family life, but I find it hard to believe that we're both so jaded from what we saw/heard that we're digging our heals about finding someone for ourselves. It was only 6 years ago when you told us that you were thru. So, I guess we picked up on the "hostility" (even though thta's the wrong word) when we were younger. So, we're both searching for something, but we dont' know what. I truly hope we find it some day.

Dad, you were my best friend. I know we grew apart the final 2 years, and I'm sorry for that. I remember so many good times though- the crazy antics tht you would do. the stories you would tell (some of which are legends from my work place to ENMU). you had a fun life and I truly hope that you realize that. You died much to young, and in too much pain. I'm glad you were able to die at home with all of us and the animals- I hope that helped.

I'm going to use my final paragraph to say to you all of the thing I should have said to you those final weeks. I said I love you constantly, so that is good. I told you how much I would miss you. I kept asking if you wanted to talk about death and you said no, so I'm hoping you were okay with your fate. What I didn't tell you is how big of a hole you would be leaving in my life. I still can't believe you're gone. I have pictures of you everywhere from just a few years ago and i can remember those days so vividly that it seems like yesterday. We've left you cell phone up and running so I can call in and here your recorded message machine (your voice was so strong- you recorded it before you got sick). I'm sorry lie delt you so many hard blows, from loss of jobs, to loss of parents, to loss of wife. Please know that John and I were always there for you and I am so proud of you for so many reasons. your ability to get along with anyone and everyone (though you could use some Archie Bunker terms now and then that would make me blush and run for a door.) You cared about anyone -stranger or family. John mentioned at your eulogy the time you saw a policewoman getting beated up by a "perp" in Texas. you didn't hesitate to hop out of your car and go help (and in the meantime, when you reached for the perp's shirt to get her off of hte cop, you pulled the shirt off and then got your face shoeved into a whole lot of boobs. :) You held on with all your might 'til the other officers showed up. That cop could have easily been killed. You saved her. Another time is when you were driving home in NY and in your review mirror you saw a semi collide with a small car. The small car caught on fire and went out of control. Again, without thinking, you jumped out of your car and pulled the burning man from the car. Last we knew, he was intensive care in the hospital. Don't know if he made it or not but I'm sure he and his family were grateful for your efforts. I am so proud of you and the daily heroics that you showed. You are an inspiration for me. I have a feeling that you thought you were a failure in life- well, you weren't. You taught John and myself many valuable lessons. And, I have never been around someone so much who could make me laugh. From putting a sock on your hand while driving, sticking it out of the sunroof and barking at cars that we went by to making up lyrics to the Bon Jovi songs I listened to repeatedly. You were am amazing dad. You still are an amazing dad. I remember you singing John and I to sleep at night- those were my must peacful sleeps. Knowing that dad was there watching over us. I hope I make you so proud in my future. I will do my damndest to carry on without you although, I will admit, it's not going so well right now. I'm sad for me, not you. Wherever you are, you're okay and having the life you should have had. We mourn because we are the ones left behind. I look forward to seeing you again the future, and I can't wait for a hug. I love you so much and i look forward to finally beating you in a game of Gin Rummy (though you'll still lose at chess- prepare for that ;)

Love, Mandy (aka Chewbacca, Nurse Jane Fuzzy Wuzzy, Mimi , Babushka, Baby, Mimi-kins, Bitch-witch, and even though it's not a name, flipping me off everytime we saw eachother- it was done with love)

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