I just found out you committed suicide, my lost best friend from high school. The memories of you are swirling, they are good memories for the most part. I remember making the conscious decision not to keep in touch with you any more the last time I saw you, 5 or so years ago. That flows through the back of my mind while events of our teenage years claim the front part of my memories. What seems surreal to me is that you are gone. You know death now -something I will not know until my time. I didn't know the you that emerged several years ago... when I decided to not be friends with you anymore. We had moved on, so apart it wasn't easy to relate. You were my best friend growing up... my only female friend. You were so shocked by me as a teenager! I did everything wrong, but I'm alive and I know I'm worthy... why aren't you? Thoughts of your mom and dad and sisters and brother are predominant. Your poor mother. Your father who never told you he loved you -- what a crime. I think of my parents who loved you also, my dad and his decade-ago desire for you to be a model. Would it have changed your life? Would it have made a difference if your dad had been more vocal about the love he had to feel for his first born? Kirsten, why did you do this? Better yet, why were you driven to do this? I don't know if I ever would have seen you again. I suspect if you had continued living so close to my parents that I would have made it back there at some point and we would have connected again. I wish you had called someone to find me so we could have talked. I could have reminded you that you were a beautiful person with a beautiful soul... but maybe the drugs had already taken that away from you. So I don't know if I ever would have seen you again, but I feel you gone from this world. I felt my heart jump and my life change when my grandmother told me the news of your death. I felt my heart sink again when the church lady told me it had been suicide. Your family. My god. Kirsten. You will never leave my thoughts now.
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