James, I want to write pages and pages to you, and right now I can't seem to find the right words. I don't think there are any. I'm still in a state of disbelief, but I'm pretty sure that will end Wednesday at your funeral. I keep remembering everything we managed to get ourselves into over the years. We always laughed about everything, and we could also be so serious with each other. Over the past year, I know that we drifted apart, and I didn't see you as often, but that in no way means that I stopped caring. Nothing could've shocked me more than when I found out about your wreck. I think I could handle any other news, but then I found out that you were killed instantly. In the back of my mind, I was secretly thinking that your death was just a horrible rumor, and that maybe you had only broken your leg or something. I could deal with that, I've visited you in the hospital before. Then I found out that you were dead, and everyone at school was crying, and there were announcements today and counselors to console us. I didn't talk to them. Why should I? They really had no clue who you were, or how great of a person you were, and wouldn't offer any peace of mind at all. It probably sounds stupid, but I still can't comprehend the fact that you're dead. You're gone, and you weren't even eighteen. That isn't right. And I keep torturing myself, I guess that I'm trying to realize that you're not bouncing back from this one. I keep trying to imagine what you went through, those last few seconds that changed everything. I can only pray to God that you didn't hurt before you died, I hope you just drifted up into a sweet oblivion, unaware of any pain at all. My life seems to be split into two separate universes. One is sweet and happy, and I can laugh and remember you. Then, I come back down to Earth and realize that there will be no new memories of you for me to fall back on. That hurts so badly. I wasn't ready for this, you went out with such a bang, and it knocked me flat. I feel lost, James, everything feels empty. At times, I think that I'm coming to grips with it, and the next moment I can't picture your name included in a sentence with the word death. Well, at the beginning of this letter I didn't think there were any words. Now there are a few too many. I'm hurting too badly right now to tell you everything that I want to tell you, because I'll start crying again and I won't be able to finish. But know that I love you and I miss you, and that when I can I will tell you everything that is in my heart.
I love you. keila
Memorials, First Quarter 2000 | Main Index, Memorials
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