james, it's been three weeks now, and it still hasn't completely sunk in. i went to your funeral and i had to touch you, i guess to show myself that you are really gone. i will never be able to describe the way it felt to touch you, and know that you weren't just asleep. you looked ready to jump out of that coffin, to laugh and say that it was all a joke, or a misunderstanding. i was expecting you to do just that. and you didn't, and in some small way, i was shocked. i miss you so much. i see cars around town that look like yours, and before i stop and think, i wave, believing it's you. then i catch myself and try once again to understand the fact that you're gone. you're gone, six feet under a pile of dirt, and you shouldn't be. you were only seventeen, james, your birthday is coming up next month, along with graduation. you should be there, making everyone laugh like you always did. it feels so empty now without you, and i don't want to act like anything's wrong, i don't want anyone to know how much it hurts. there are plenty of people that love and miss both you and jonathan, and i don't want to intensify their grief. i tried to be happy at your funeral, james, like you said you wanted. i remembered our talk in new mexico, about mourning the birth of a child and celebrating a death. i think you understand, though, i couldn't celebrate your death. you're supposed to be here, with all of us, we all loved you and jonathan so much... it's so hard to believe..even seeing your car didn't do it for me, seeing you in that casket, with your forever sign across your chest, didn't do it. and i gave you my bracelet, you will always have it with you now. at least some small part of me is always going to be with you. i'm going to go now, james, because i'm starting to cry again and i know that you wouldn't want that. you would want me to smile, and think of you as i've known you all my life, not lying in a cold casket. i love you, and i will never stop thinking about you. you got your wings, james, it was just too early.
Memorials, First Quarter 2000 | Main Index, Memorials
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